For many of us, whether gay or straight, the schoolyard of yesterday is a place of both fond and frightening memories. We played tag, swung, tossed a ball, and had our first taste of bullying and verbal derision. No matter the age, taunts were rampant and came from the smallest of mouths and developing minds. And while each bullying remark carries its own sting, anti-LGBT harassment can truly traumatize with devastating consequences.
Last week, bullying and harassment that included anti-gay slurs led to the suicide of another young child, the fourth in this year alone according to Queerty and GLSEN. Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, an 11-year-old Massachusetts student, hung himself days before his 12th birthday after unrelenting bullying at school, despite his mother’s constant plea for the school to address the issue. Carl joins three other known cases, all in Illinois.
I recently blogged about the effects of homophobia – and the trouble it’s even causing our straight counterparts. The same is true here. Carl did not self-identify as gay. His personality and actions may not have been a narrowly, defined stereotype for a child of his age, race and location. But for that difference, his schoolmates drove him to fatal decisions.
These events are heartbreaking and too realistic for many of us. I personally lost count of the slurs, shoves and stares well before high school. But looking past the pain, there are communication issues – and opportunities – here.
First, examining the antagonists in these events, we might scratch our heads over young children’s ability to drive a fellow schoolmate to killing himself. Those words and hate are not inherent at birth; they’re taught through example and communications. Whether by family or society, we obviously are communicating early and often that words like “faggot” can be used to bully and hurt whoever we wish. And our children are listening.
On the other hand, our children have far less communications and examples that teach acceptance and positive interaction with those different than us. School officials, parents, community leaders – all have the opportunity to openly discuss the negative effects of harassment and discriminating communication about any group, as well as enact policies that discourage bullying. For schools, GLSEN offers some pretty easy steps here.
Communication and education go hand-in-hand. It’s time our schools, parents, community and allies speak out against this type of harassment, while at the same time educating others about gay and lesbian youth, their struggle, and ways we can help. We all are different with special gifts to share in this journey of self-discovery we all travel. Instead of comparing ourselves to fellow travelers, we must begin to look ahead toward the bright goal ahead — clear communications and the end of bullying and slurs. Only then will the road become less bumpy and we realize how invaluable our fellow travelers are.
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As the parent of two young teenagers, ages 13 and 14, I must agree that derogatory and harassing terms are thrown around among their peers regularly, with no regard or realization of the true impact their words may have. I get to know their friends and acquaintances and have gone so far as to listen in when they have been unaware. What I have learned is that kids are good at heart and care about others. The problem is often that they don’t always understand the true impact of their communications. Often I have spoken my concerns with my children and have been met with sincere surprise that a comment could be considered harassment or it could actually have hurt someone’s feelings – because “everyone just laughs.” They have been what I call, “numbed down.” I have found that despite my teachings and example throughout their lives, another influence has taken its place at the head of the teaching line – the media. To my dismay I hear my own children use the very terms they have been taught for so many years to avoid. Their response? “Mom, everyone does it and we all know we don’t really mean it.” Everyone thinks it’s funny. They just don’t get the power of their own words because they are bombarded with crude, caustic communications everywhere they turn – the impact of which are often downplayed, presented as funny and harmless by media characters. Kids are not mature enough to handle adult humor and yet such humor is presented everywhere they turn from movies to television shows. Characters quickly bounce back from insults, back stabbing behaviors, and cruel jokes. And if they don’t, they get even. Kids are unable to separate the fictional media world with their own realities. Yes, we as parents, educators and caretakers of children need to teach and model. But we should be careful not to counteract what we teach by allowing our children to learn the basics of humanity from television.
Shell, I remember those years and you are completely right. I laughed along and threw out sarcastic, biting comments, while inside struggling with pain others’ slurs and comments caused.
You bring up a good point, too, in regards to the resiliency of fictional TV characters and that disparity in reality. Thanks for being an encouragement to your kids and sharing perspective and insight not included in the original post.
Bryan,
You are more than welcome. Most parents I know struggle with the impact of the media on the lives of our children. It seems to be this omnipresent, invincible invader impacting everything they do. But we as parents have the power to take first place again by simply limiting its use or by removing it alltogether. Although it is not a popular move – it is becoming more and more of a necessity if we wish to succeed in molding our children according to values that will encourage, empower, and energize them to embrace differences intelligently with respect and passion.
I will continue to read your blogs.
Thank you for your coverage – shedding light where it is much needed.